Lately I’ve been tired lol I really don’t have patience for the little girl i’m babysitting, she’s annoying. But I like children and I really want to be patient and a good baby-sitter! I like boys more because we like similar stuff but this girl is probably too young for me.

Thanks god she didn’t came today lol

Anyhow, I was singing and recording some stuff but then I accidentally saved it in the same file of my Baby don’t cry cover THAT TOOK ME 7 FUCKING DAYS AND CAME OUT PERFECT AND SO NEAT AND STUDIO-VERSION-LIKE AND I WAS ANGRY FOR THE REST OF THE DAY MOTHER FUCKER I’M SO ANGRY!! But that only means that I’ll probably do it even better next time I record it :)

I need to become more optimistic, lately I’m really moody… idk I hope it’s all because of my period, I hate being moody. Btw I can’t believe Talia Castellano died DD: I didn’t even watched her videos but she was so optimistic and inspiring… poor girl, but she’s way better now, free of pain and happy ^^ May her and her family be blessed.

Ugh okay I decided I’m going to have resolutions every day. Like new-year resolutions but in an every-day version, lol because at this rate, I’m accomplishing nothing!! Anyways, I have the feeling that my economic situation will improve greatly!! Ah~ I’m so happy ^^ And okay, tomorrow’s resolution for me is: SMILING MORE! and being more patient ^^

Today’s resolution (because my day isn’t over yet) is meditate, because I used to do it daily and now I’m so lazy and a damn procrastinator >< Oh by the way, there’s an extension in chrome called StayFocusd and omg it works miracles!! I recommend it for heavy procrastinators like me, *coughs* because thanks to it, I finished reading 2 fics that were on my list for 8 fucking months LOL the bad thing about this is that now I don’t know how to unblock it and Tumblr, YT and Facebook are still banned for me LMFAO that’s why I’m using an ol’ trick to write this ><

Anyhow, I didn’t knew what to write in today’s log, but then a song appeared in my iTunes and… wow it brought me back so much memories!! Middle school memories, my happiest time. And well, remember I was going to recommend songs?? Well this is the one that brought me memories, it’s called “Aikagi,” which means Master Key, and it’s from my favourite band, Ayabie.

But then INNOCENT SORROW popped out and now I want you to listen to that one LMAO it’s so great *-* Listen here, it’s beautiful >< 

Oh so yeah… right now I’m trying to come up with a nice story… well, not nice but AMAZING AND MINDBLOWING! I already kinda have the plot but it’s still a draft lsakdaskjdjaska it’s so hard to come up with a good idea >< wish me luck omg please, this is harder than i thought that’s what she said and I need it before OCTOBER so yeah wish me luck~~

And check out my FIC REC page ^^

First of all, I was on post limit yesterday my main account (deepthroating-sehun) and I have a request, please check this post.

On more personal “news” I started babysitting a little girl this monday. Well, first of all, I went on a “Play-Date” LOL with two kids on sunday and it was the very first time I interacted with young children… I was so damn nervous it took me like 1 hour to get used to them and to even say something because I’m really shy, YES I’M EVEN SHY WITH YOUNGER CHILDREN, DON’T JUDGE ME. Anyhow, we ended up becoming BFF after a couple of hours xDD the little girl (she’s 4) even sat on my lap! It was hard to “control” (i can’t find the word right now lol sorry) some of their actions sometimes like, “let’s stop throwing rocks at each other and let’s play” LOL but it was overall good. Pretty good for a first time actually.

Then, the next day (this monday) they brought home another girl so i could babysit her and I was really excited…. BUT SHE’S SOOOOO BORING!! She’s 4 and well, first of all, I’m not used to little girls. I’m used to boys because I grew up surrounded by boys. My only two cousins are boys and my far relatives are male as well. During elementary school I had more guy-friends than girl-friends and even now my closest friends are two guys. So yeah, long story short: I’m not used to girls. Either way, I started with an open mind, like “we’ll have fun and I’ll become the ultimate Super-Nanny” but I swear to god, this girl is boring as fuck. All she wants to do is colour on a sheet of paper and watch tv, when she gets tired she prefers watching online videos of the same tv show she was watching on TV earlier, when she gets tired of those, she prefers playing online games of the exact same character of the exact same tv show, and when she gets bored, she goes back to watching TV again! Gosh, I even told her, “Yo, let’s play tag/treasure-hunting/hide and seek/any other physical game that’s more fun” but she only gives me a weird look and wants to watch the same fucking tv show not only on the TV but also in the computer. I literally almost fell asleep the 2nd day I got to babysit her. Today she didn’t came but I’m thankful. Babysitting is a lot more tiring than what I thought, and that’s all because of my efforts of making this girl more active because everything she does/makes me do is boring as fuck. Also because I screamed for 120 minutes while watching EXO perform LOL but anyhow you get me. This is making me feel really stressed because every day is a fucking routine with this girl and we can’t even go outside to play because her parents are overprotective. Ugh… I was expecting this to be cooler tbh, or well, with the first 2 children I played on sunday I had a shitload of fun, so it’s probably just this little girl.

Anyhow, I have over 10 followers in this blog which is a very pleasant surprise because since this is a “personal” blog I never expected to get followers at all, LOL so PLEASE GIVE ME SOME ADVICE? LIKE SERIOUSLY, PLEASE I’M BEGGING YOU, GIVE ME ADVICES! I’M GOING CRAZY!! My askbox in this blog is open and I also enabled answers on this post because I’m desperate!! 

Well, in a different topic, lately my mom’s being weird. She keeps wanting to watch and listen to my music/kpop groups with me a lot nowadays… I think that’s because she’s starting to realize that I’ll move out soon and all the things she was supposed to with me and regrets not doing before will make a difference lol I mean, that’s cool but it feels weird. Yesterday we watched EXO’s MV’s and my mom got enchanted by Junmyeon. Lol no joke, she saw him in MAMA and went like, “wow, he’s really handsome.” Then we watched History and she was like, “WHOAAA SO HANDSOME SDJHDOAJSDHFHLKSDFK” lol and it doesn’t help that he’s my 3-4rd bias along with the rest of exo LOLOL  today we watched DBSK my gods and she really liked Jaejoong, well she always did lol and Minnie <3 and then in SHINee she likes Kibum the most xD yay my 2nd bias in SHINee LOL I only have to show her u-kiss now so she can give me her approval, hopefully on my Kevin, Kibum or Kiseop LOL if not, then my Jaeseop is okay too LOL 

Also I’m on my period and I feel really down. I don’t want to see anybody and I don’t want anyone to see me, I want to stay home all week and cry. I’m just… I don’t feel good at all.

I also have to write some shonen story and I have nothing on mind. I have like a very shojo-angsty style and even tho shonen is my favourite manga genre, I think I’m more used to reading it than writing it lol please wish me luck I really need to come up with something ><

I have a lot of shit to watch and read but I’m here procrastinating.

And on my transition to raw-vegan, it’s going pretty well, I only eat 60g of meat/animal products a day, the rest is wheat or full grains and veggies/fruits. I don’t seem to find any good recipes tho… and the ones I find I’m becoming lazy to make them kjszdfhskjdzf I need to get a grip.

Also I need to start liking myself more because I really feel super displeased with my appearance in general. I wish someone could help me but people just read this and that’s all. No comments, not even a hello lol but I guess I’m pleased with that. I’m glad that people reads my logs. Also, I have 955 subs in youtube now :) i’m so happy and thankful.

I really want to be the best at everything but I don’t make an effort to achieve it.

That’s going to change from now on.

OMG AND TODAY I DIED WITH EXO’S PERFORMANCE!! I’M SO PROUD OF THEM REALLY :’) I SCREAMED SO MUCH MY THROAT KINDA HURTS NOW LOL Ahhh and OMG I’m just so happy!! They make me so happy, really :’)

I’ll start recommending songs from now on, and hopefully you’ll listen to them if you want xD

Today’s recommendation is 7th Trigger by Uverworld.

And I need to make a new cover before I die…. I haven’t sang in like a fucking week so probably that’s why i’m losing my mind-balance LOL this is a small fragment from my most “recent” cover… i may make a full korean cover soon. Also, idk why “some” bitch got promoted all of a sudden like wtf bro there’s better singers in youtube tbqh, I say this because we roll in the same circles LMAO 

And please give me an advice regarding the first matter I posted?

I REALLY SHOULDN’T BE PROUD OF THIS SHIT OMG but i am xD even tho my vocal chords were still strained when I recorded this… you can totally tell in my high notes.

I’m so looking forward to sound more mature and professional, but I can’t find my voice. I don’t know why but ever since I started singing EXO (well since they debuted and I fell in love with their music) I’ve been picking up their singing habits, and I mean Baekhyun’s habits. You probs think I should be proud lol but each singer has their own technique that fits their own voice, because all voices are different, of course. His voice is more consistent, his range is wider, huskier, stronger, powerful and rich, but his breathing is way too heavy and he even has this sexy and perfect habit of growling a little between breaths. I’ve picked up those habits as well but it doesn’t fit me because putting aside the fact that I am a girl and my voice is obviously way different, my voice is the complete opposite of his. I have a clear well I used to, now i’m sounding huskier every time lol voice, terrible breathing techniques and my voice is super ultra high. I’d say I’m a mezzo leaning 40% more to a soprano voice. I’m sure Baekhyun is either a super deep tenor or most likely a high baritone. Compare it and you’ll see how different our voices are; if I were to compare my voice colour and range to an EXO member, I’d say that my voice is more like 80% Luhan, 85% Junmyeon, 75% Yixing, and this is not even that accurate but lately i’ve noticed that my voice colour is a little tiny tinyyy ultra tiny bit like Jongdae’s. I’d say a 25 - 30%. The comments in my cover and some friends say my voice fits Sehun and Baekhyun in this cover, but I disagree, I think that my voice fits Junmoney and Kyungsoo a little bit in this cover xDD I’m not trying to sound bigheaded or anything, this is just my opinion based on the fact that this is a cover, lol.

My singing role models are:

• Kim Jaejoong
• Kim Junsu
• Cho Kyuhyun
• Byun Baekhyun

I’m working harder every day so I can be as pro as they are. They really inspire me. 

I’m so embarrassed right now, like why am I posting my cover in here lol anyways…. i think that the acapella sounds better xD and Now I must resist the urge to sing Why so serious and Paradise, specially because I hate Boys over flowers and that fucking song, but Baekhyun can make anything sound good, to be honest *-*

AND OMG I HAVE 902 SUBS IN YOUTUBE?! WHEN DID THIS HAPPEN…. I DON’T EVEN KNOW WHAT TO SAY…. I FEEL….. IDK HOW OMG

Just…

Thank you.

I FUCKING GRADUATED YESTERDAY.

I’M. SO. FUCKING. HAPPY.

LIKE… I CAN’T BELIEVE I’LL NEVER GO BACK TO THAT HELL. I’ll remember high school like a terrible nightmare from which I just woke up from and I barely have any memories of.

That was a fucking terrible school, I studied there part of my elementary years and all 3 years of middle school. But just for the record, my middle school years were way better and I have beautiful memories from it.

I was in a different elementary school but in 6th grade I came to this school. It was horrible but quite fun. I always had the same dream but I was i still am tbh way too scared to acknowledge it, so I felt lost and judged, even if nobody knew what was going on inside my head. Then, I met a person in my 1st grade of middle school. She was fun and cool and I couldn’t believe she liked asian music LOL i thought I was the only person that liked it xD but I wasn’t familiar with Kpop, I only heard J-rock because I could actually understand part of it LOL but anyways we always talked about the bands we liked and even about the dramas we watched xD but one day she came to me and told me: “You HAVE to listen to THIS song.” And from the first moment I heard it, I’m not kidding, I was like this the whole time:

And basically stayed like that for the whole month, until she came back to me and said: “You really need to watch THIS!!”

And from that moment… it was from that very moment when I knew that I SHOULD NOT give up on my dreams just because of other people. No sir. 

You probably wonder why I came to that conclusion? It was because for the first time in my life, I could see people feeling music. I’m not saying that the other groups or artists I liked don’t feel it, but if you are a musical person like me, you’d know. Other people, in my case, rock singers do enjoy the music when they play and all, but you can totally tell in their eyes the real reason why they do it. They don’t even play because they feel like it, but they play just to please producers and “buy” fans by selling their catchy songs to anime producers and use them for their Openings or Closing themes. When they release a new single they only care about selling and all the money they can get from it. I mean, everyone cares about money, but if you are a musician, A TRUE ARTIST, money shouldn’t be your only reason to make music. It can inspire you, but it should never be “the reason why." 

But when I first watched and heard DBSK I felt different. Like they were singing with their souls. I could feel the words and the music. I could feel what was inside their minds and what they were trying to express and tell in their songs. I even felt like I was seeing and feeling the world through them. Through their voices. I SAW THEIR DREAM. I SAW PEOPLE WITH A DREAM, with hope and with love. Love for music and love for effort. Love for their jobs. That’s what I saw, and when I saw it I instantly knew that I wanted to be like them. I wanted to be able to tell a story with my voice and to inspire them, just like they do. I want to show people the same way they showed to me, that we’re equals. That there isn’t a difference between me or them because we’re people with feelings and with dreams and with the same passion. Even if the songs they sang back then were not "theirs” a.k.a, made by other people for them to sing they could still ‘own’ the song and tell people a story with it, like it really was their own story. 

Since then, they became not only my role models but also my muses, my inspiration, my dream, my past, my present and I want them to be in my future as well. 

Every time I felt lost or sad or angry, their music was there for me. They always have a song that is perfect for every moment, and when I was feeling down their music gave me hope and strength to keep going and don’t give up. Then I got to “know” their personalities and everything became way better xD I discovered that they were as stupid and childish as me, and that just made things better :)

Also, I want to mention that the first man I ever loved was him

before him I had a crush on Danny Phantom, but when I met this man, shit got real xDD When my mom saw him she was like,  “he’s really handsome.“ xD

Even to this day, DBSK remains my inspiration. Baekhyun and Luhan inspire me as a person because I think that we have a lot in common, but DBSK are my gods. They made me who I am now. 

I wouldn’t be here if it wasn’t for them, tbh.

And before I cry, I’ll leave you with the performance that changed my life.

THIS, IS A REAL PERFORMANCE. The Gods of all Kpop groups.

The gods of your oppars.

I’m going to be an Au Pair in China :)

For those that don’t know what an Au Pair is: A young foreign person, typically a woman, who helps by taking care of a family’s children in exchange for room, food, board and learning the host country’s native language.

In fewer words, i’m going to be a live-in nanny while they support me financially and all, the only thing I have to pay is my agency because the plane ticket, school and all that is paid by my host family :DD Isn’t it the coolest job ever? lol for me it is >~>

Anyhow, not everything is rainbows and butterflies. Since this job is basically like being adopted by someone while you take care of their children, they are super super careful and exaggerated with the requirements. I have to submit a lot of forms and application documents, and some of those include a “Character Reference Letter” and a “Child Care Reference Letter” that should be filled by non-family members, in which basically they describe my personality in detail from their point of view, and in the other one they describe how I took care of random children and the activities I did with them.

The saddest part is that, I DON’T KNOW ANYONE WHO COULD FILL THOSE DOCUMENTS FOR ME. My friends are minors. I don’t talk to adults. And the worst part is that I’ve never being in charge of a child. Well, I kinda was when I was like 14, i took care of my best friend’s baby sister, BUT THAT WAS AGES AGO AND NOW WE LOST CONTACT. 

I have no one in this world who could fill those shits for me, and those are the most important documents for me to submit. I still don’t know how I’m going to do this… really. But I’m not discouraged or anything, I think I’ll get through this somehow, and that everything will turn out amazing :) 

When I said, “The hardest thing I’ve ever done in my life is High School. After I’m done with it, everything else will be like a piece of cake, and I’m going to remember the day I said this forever.” I really meant it. Somehow, when I look back at those times when I had high school shit to do, It seems more troublesome and way more difficult than my current situation xD

Anyhow, I’m praying so my issues can be solved really quickly. Please wish me luck. Please.

In other news, I’m feeling disgusted over my physical appearance more than ever. And EXO is making me feel really weird inside again. Not just EXO as a whole but each and every single member…

My new weight goal is losing 1kg in two weeks…. I really want to cut my hair but I don’t want to look all fat and ugly like an ajjhuma xD AND I’M SO HAPPY BECAUSE If Luhan could lift Minseok and squat like 80 times while holding him in his arms, that means that he will probably be able to lift my heavy weight from the floor when we meet!! XD I’m not saying Minseok is fat, but he’s a man and guys usually weigh more than girls xD so i’m confident~~~

Lately Minseok’s been playing a lot with my feelings. And he’s my new inspiration… he lost so much weight omg D: I still love you Baozi~ ♥

Anyways, please wish me luck with my Au Pair thingy ><

The SEME of the day is Miyagi You *w* it’s pronounced “Yoh”

he facepalms at your super white way to pronounce his name…

I’m tired but in a good mood, so I’ll leave you with a gif of Miyagi molesting Hiroki~ xDD

I NO LONGER GO TO SCHOOL AND I FINISHED AND PASSED ALL MY FUCKING EXAMS

I NEVER THOUGHT I’D GET THIS FAR OMFG

But I still haven’t graduated, I’ll graduate on July 2nd. iI can’t fucking wait anymore.

Well, I’m basically 99% free now, but still not that free. I’ll be completely free once I have that High School certificate in my hands. All the blood and tears I shed weren’t in vain omg i really never thought i’d get this far i’m so happy… you have no idea.

But i’m still in the “acceptation” stage. My personality is still “sleeping” and my body and mind are exhausted from this past 3 years. I’m super tired.

Also, I’ve been eating really bad lately… pure junk food and I feel really nauseous and disgusted. And I discovered I have some sort of ED called Orthorexia. You can google it if you want.

And yes, i’m one step closer to my dream. The other day my mom told me she was thinking about my future and she told me so much things… amazing things and I can’t believe it. She has so much confidence and believes in me and my dreams more than I do.

Also, a friend of mine once told me the same things, like…. she told me she believed I could get really far. And that’s when I realized that people believe in me and my dreams more than myself. I have confidence but sometimes I get scared. But I’ll remain positive and fight. I swear.

I love EXO so much. I’m so proud of all and each of them I nearly cried the other day. You guys know Baekhyun and Luhan are my main role models, but the rest are just as important to me, i love them so much.

And I’m specially proud of Baekhyun… I know he’s going to get really far. I just feel it.

And Luhan…. he made his 2nd dream come true yesterday and it makes me feel so proud. He deserved it. He deserves this and more.

I’ll support them until the day I die. I swear.

And since I’m out of uke, i’ll start with Seme.

The seme of the day is my lovely Nowaki~♥ aslkdjaslkjdkjasd

Good night my little pieces of heaven. I decided to start this log with a super cheesy line.

Yesterday I went to “lay down for 30 minutes” at 5 PM, after I came home from that fucking test i told you before.

Well, I woke up at 6 AM today.

Aaaand that’s why I don’t take naps.

So yeah I woke up feeling better but not quite better, I’m still tired tbh. But the good news is that I passed the fucking exam, AND THAT MEANS I’M (almost) FREE!! YESSS! That was the one exam that was holding me back but not anymore :D I have 2 more exams tomorrow but I’m sure I’m going to pass them. And well since Yesterday i slept all day and didn’t ate shit, today I woke up feeling super anxious and ended up eating 4 little marshmallow cookies, and I feel so sad and guilty and gross. I want to fucking throw up all the food I ate today.

And the worst part is that tomorrow I’m having a sleep over with friends but I don’t want to go because I’m fat and disgusting and they are all thin. I look like an elephant and they look like the elephant trainers from the circus. Yeah I look all gross and I feel terrible, like a piece of shit.

I feel so bad and disgusted I decided I need to be a happy whale.

But I wasn’t like this. I have to say that pessimistic friends and media influence made me like this. I used to like myself very much because I recently lost weight but now I realized there’s always thiner people and I’ll look bad all the time. I take care of myself while skinny people eat shit and junk yet they don’t even get fat. I hate this and I hate me most of all.

But I said I was going to write stuff i’m thankful for right? Okay here i go…

• I’m thankful that my HUG and KISS albums just came! I just need to go to the post office to pick them up but that’s okay
• I’m thankful that I’m a healthy person
• I’m thankful that ALL my problems have a simple solution
• I’m thankful for my grandparents
• I’m thankful I have a nice singing voice
• I’m thankful I’m not that ugly…. 
• I’m thankful I have all my limbs 
• I’m thankful I’m not deaf
• I’m thankful I passed that exam

And Now I shall go to sleep.

Bye.

The UKE of the day is Yokozawa Takafumi. And yes, he is UKE.

Okay so today is the day imma pull my first all-nighter after 6 months.

And hopefully this will be my penultimate all-nighter ever…. and I’m ready for my very LAST Stats math EXAM EVERRRRR!!! I worked really hard this whole semester so i could pass all the exams because the previous years, i’ve been failing the subject and re-taking the exams every time… i was so scared not to make it this time, but i’m so thankful i passed! Now the only thing I need to do is pass tomorrow’s exam and everything will be solved~ everyone reading this, please wish me luck!!

My main inspiration is Baekhyun because he’s a smart bastard that likes math alksdaisjkdkjsa >< 

My main Motivation is my near future. Hopefully, Guangzhou :)

Okay so if i really want to make it, i need to sacrifice at least one night ㅠㅠ

Oh and I decided to write all the things I’m thankful for in this journal.

Also the good memories i want to keep for the rest of my life :)

The first memory I want to write, is that yesterday my two best guyfriends and I went to the house of one of them to study for tomorrow’s technically, today’s lol test :) we walked and walked through the streets and it was very tiring ㅠㅠ but we were chit-chatting like little gulls and laughed a lot :) Then we reached his house and had a really fun time, and we DID studied a lot xD They really are my best friends, I’ve trusted them so many things… I think they know more secrets than any other of my friends xD We share really stupid secrets but that makes things special :B and we laughed so much over a picture … a picture of one of our best friends skjdhliaejhsfijes but that’s our secret lol

And I made another memory today, with my 2 best gull-frands~♥ we also walked all over the city under the scorching sun because we were job-hunting xD at the end the guys of the restaurant told us “eh… you are supposed to apply online, now fuck off” so we left the place all u_u lolol but we were glad it is online xD THEN I COULDN’T FUCKING RESIST AND SPENT ALL MY WELL-EARNED MONEY IN A FUCKING BACKPACK >< stupid Junjou Romantica and stupid otaku store…. they’re ruining my life OTL 

I earned quite some money this week because i sold homemade cookies at school and… omg now it’s gone :’( but I guess it’s all right, after all it is was my money xD

Anyhow, we left the place and kept job-hunting, but one of the jobs was kinda suspicious e__e and the other one required previous experience lol so yeah… we’ll apply for the one with the online application xD then we went to the art school and asked about the courses and majors etc. I’m honestly really happy we did that because well… my friends are having almost the same issue as me. They are inborn dreamers and they want to have this amazing superb cool job that i’m not disclosing because of my personal beliefs xD but it’s hard because of the location and because getting there (geographically) is a little bit hard in terms of money. But well, I have the feeling that they are gonna make it because they are persevering people!! And if they give up before trying imma step on their faces and dance over their tombs when they die after I kill them LOL okay sorry *coughs* but that won’t be necessary because they are going to reach for the stars~♥ I know it for sure ^^ And well, even if they can’t go right away, they still have time, and on the meantime they can learn useful things for their dream job :D I’m sure everything will turn out great! ^^

Okay… I think I already wrote too much and I’m getting ultra nervous because of the test, lack of sleep and abuse of caffeine even if I just had 1 cup of coffee lol…. my caffeine tolerance is low, don’t make fun of me >_< Anyhow, I don’t think I can write the things I’m thankful for anymore.

And my timer just rang, which means I need to go study some more. I’m using the Pomodoro Technique. Everyone, if you have to study for a test or don’t want to procrastinate, I suggest you to use this technique, it is really effective :D

Anyhow, PLEASE WISH ME LUCK OKAY. NOW IMMA TAKE A BIG DUMP.

AND THE UKE OF THE DAY IS… oh btw…. today I really took care of my voice.

I only used it a 30% during all day, which means i didn’t spoke at all unless it was necessary. I almost sang like 3 times but i contained it >< I need to relax and let my voice rest because omfg I have a lot of deadlines and I can’t sing like this. I’d rather wait for my voice to heal…. i hope it heals soon.

Now, the uke of the day is Akira Nikaido. Gosh I’m running out of uke ><