Something horrible just happened and this time I’m not exaggerating, I really really REALLY want to fucking slap myself and punch someone….

I’ve been sick since like 1-2 months ago because I have seasonal allergies and hay fever, and well, with all this hot/dry/humid and now rainy/cold weather happening my voice’s been kinda raspy. I ignored it because I usually sound mature when I’m husky lol but well since I haven’t had the chance to practice that much lately, I just kept doing my regular warm ups whenever I could and all that. Then someone gave me the task to sing Taeyeon’s lines in “Mistake”.

It wasn’t really a challenge for me since high notes are like my “specialty” when it comes to singing, so I gave it a try, ignoring:

• My lack of practice
• The condition of my voice and hay fever
• My terrible lack of breathing technique because I haven’t done breathing exercises at all

So well, in the end I couldn’t control it because I kept dragging the note…. like the air in my diaphragm wasn’t enough to hold the note.

I gave up and then, stupid me, tried to record Baekhyun’s lines in Wolf.

30 minutes later, goodbye voice.

Not only I ended up with a fucking sharp-stabbing pain in my throat, but I could barely speak anymore…. Whenever I think of it I want to cry because it’s been almost a week and my voice hasn’t healed at all. I can barely speak on a regular basis and what hurts me the most is that I can’t even sing anymore. I shouldn’t even try to sing but I just can’t stop doing it oh fuck I can’t believe i’m crying while typing this but it really means a lot to me. The only thing that gives sense to my life is singing, and if I can’t do it…. I think I’ll go crazy. I am going crazy right now.

I really have no one to talk to about this so I’m alone in my pain. Physical and mental pain. My throat hurts more with each day and I did some research and I should rest my singing voice. Like totally, no singing at all. But I seriously can’t do that. I sing all the time, I don’t even realize when I’m singing, I just do it. And right now I’m so scared because this is the first time I’ve strained my vocal chords so badly that it hurts to speak and it’s been a week and there’s no improvement and…. I’m just going crazy I don’t know what to do. If someone’s reading this right now they probably don’t understand how big of a deal this is for me, they probably just think i’m a ridiculous stupid dramatic bitch. But I’m really serious. Think about the thing you love to do the most in this life. The only thing you could do for the rest of your life and live and die happy just by doing it.

But well I don’t know what to do since nobody understands me, I think I want to fucking die, I’m just way too tired to go on. The graduation date looks further and further every singe day, my grandpa is having a major surgery in 10 days, I lost my voice and I’m fat and ugly. And sad and useless and poor.

I hate myself so fucking much and nobody will never understand me.

I want to end this.

I decided to start counting the days I have left for High School.

Hopefully this will make things easier and go by way faster. 

I was confident about finals, but now i don’t even know anymore… I’m so nervous. This stress has been affecting my health in terrible ways.

First I had gastrointestinal problems, and just yesterday (and the day before) i caught a cold and went all feverish and terribly ill… the stress is seriously killing me.

The day I graduate is gonna be the happiest day of my life. I’ve even dreamed about it… but i’m not sure how i’m going to celebrate…. i hope I can get some ideas….

But well, that won’t let me rest peacefully… unless i’m sleeping, lol when i sleep there’s no way i can even wake up or worry about something xD

I’m currently reading Junjou Romantica and my favourite couple…. JUNJOU TERRORIST~  *cries blood* I just love them so much ><

Ahhh…. I should be practicing my drawing and mandarin, and also studying but i’m such a procrastinator >< I can’t even sjdfhdxfbhd god please help me OTL

Oh btw, you guys may know I’m a buddhist. Well, lately i’ve been so stressed, i haven’t had time to be a good buddhist. And Yesterday i completely crossed the line and cried for like 5 minutes because i was just too stressed out. Even my mom pitied me lol.

Anyhow, wish me luck please… I want this to be over as soon as possible and without any other hardships… I’ve had enough already.

Good thing Baekhyun’s voice makes me forget everything whenever i listen to him.

Someone told me yesterday i was corny and dumb and…. i think it was a hater of mine but lol we can’t deny the truth tbh xD

But i’m not dumb. If you’re reading this then fuck yourself with a shovel. I may be corny, and stupid at times, even childish…. but i’m not dumb, nor immature.

And If you think those words are synonyms, then go read some books you stupid fucker.

—- END OF RANT—-

The Uke of the day is… Wolfram Von Bielefeld

Okay first of all, THE MOTHER FUCKING ALBUM IS PERFECT!!! LIKE IT IS THE 1ST ALBUM WHERE I LOVE EACH AND EVERY SINGLE SONG!! i swear :’) i nearly cried omfg yes!! AND I REGRET NOTHING ABOUT SPENDING 80 BUCKS ON BOTH ALBUMS :D

Now I can’t wait until they get here lksadaksdlkajs COME QUICKLY, ALBUMS PLEASE~ 

Also I’m going to tell you my story: Back in January 2011, when people started talking about sm’s new group, i completely went crazy and freaked all the way out kjsdfjsd every day I would wait for new stuff to come out, until the 1st teaser in december. No wait…. in early 2011 there was a video made by a semi-popular k-vlogger in youtube with pictures and info about sm’s group. I watched it all the way and there were like …. 15 members i think. I thought all of them were handsome *w* and Chanyeol was there and i went crazy because i remembered him from the genie mv XD anyhow i was even more excited!! I was already a fan :B lol But well, months later, the 1st teaser came out omg i was SOOOO EXCITED!! I became a lot more fond of exo even tho i only knew jongin xD and then…. the teaser.

That teaser.

EXO Teaser 8_SE HUN

I fell in love. Deeply.

And I’m not talking about the man in the video, but the song lol

Okay I also fell in love with him, but that song…. i completely lost myself onto it. So, since that moment I knew that:

1. My bias was Sehun
2. Black Pearl HAD to be in their album. The beat is just beautiful.

And more than 1 year later, it came true. BLACK PEARL IS IN THE ALBUM!!! IT IS DEFINITELY MY FAVOURITE SONG :’) and the lyrics are beautiful.

My only complain is that sehun has no parts :(

But everything else is so amazingly beautiful. No words can describe how i feel about the fucking song, seriously. REALLY I MEAN IT, I FEEL MY CHEST SO HEAVY AS I LISTEN TO THE SONG ><

Anyhow, moving on. The day of my graduation is approaching :D I’M SO HAPPY!!! I’m starting to feel a little happy every day :’)

Also, I’ve been thinking so much about Baekhyun and Luhan lately. You guys know how much I love them. They are my inspiration. My serious inspiration.

DBSK were the people that made me who I am know, and they inspire me so much as well but…. Baekhyun and Luhan make me feel different. For some reason I feel “closer” to them. Like, I have this strange-invisible bond that connects me to them. I feel really identified with them, from head to toe. Our dreams, hopes, fears…. everything.

I seriously want to be like them. I want to be as successful and strong and amazing as they are :’)

And Baekhyun…. I know that having a “bias” is impossible but…. Baekhyun is the first man that made me fall in love just with his voice. I noticed his voice before his looks. And at first I didn’t even paid attention to his singing, until one day i stopped and listened carefully. I was really missing a lot… to this day, I’m more and more in love with him.

As each day passes I fall for him even more. His voice makes me feel in a way that words can’t explain. What I feel inside me every time he sings, is something that I can’t even tell…. I just know I feel dizzy, relaxed, excited, happy, nostalgic and orgasmic at the same time. I can hardly breathe every time i listen to those adlibs… those notes, everything. Right now it just happened again. 

No i’m not high.

Or maybe I am…. Baekhyun’s voice makes me high. And I won’t stop intoxicating myself with his voice.

And the Uke of the day is obviously Baekhyun. I can’t even ajskdhdlaikjsidlfjskjjdflisejk

Yesterday I cried again… and for the same reason: school.

High school has been terrible for me. The worst 3 years of my life, full of depression, bullying, pressure, racism, discrimination and a shitload of bad things for me.

And just when I think it’s almost over… when there’s only 10 days left…. the new principal adds another week to the school “calendar”.

I can’t do this anymore… I really can’t. I cried so much, lately i’ve been 10 times more tired and I haven’t slept well, 60% for EXO’s comeback and i regret nothing lmao and the rest because i have to be early for school… if i don’t wake up at 4:30 - 5:00 AM, I fall asleep and I can’t wake up anymore.

But well, also, half of this stress is because i haven’t sung this whole month…. and you really must know that singing means the world to me. It’s my entire life. My vocal quality hasn’t decreased at all, is just that the lack of practice makes me nervous and all the stress reflects in my singing. Yet, singing makes me release my whole stress…. I can’t wait to start singing again, but my mom is home all the time and I really really can’t hold it back anymore omg. The only time i get to sing is when i’m in the shower.

But anyways, THE GOOD NEWS IS THAT EXO’S MAKING THEIR COMEBACK… OH FUCK I FEEL HAPPY BUT THE TIREDNESS has affected me greatly and my brain can’t process the information that much yet lmao, BUT I’M SO EXCITED.

EXO has changed my life, is because of them that i haven’t given up on anything… really. They inspire me so much, specially Luhan and Baekhyun…. they are my role models.

Anyways, I failed today’s exam but thanks krisus i have enough credits to do the final exam :’) 

Also, i got my ID yesterday and i look disgusting… just really disturbing.

I’m the most unphotogenic person in this world, really.

I was supposed to have a sleepover with friends this friday but, i’m honeslty way too tired for that, i don’t want to do it anymore.

But well, If you are reading this, please wish me luck. I seriously need it.

AND LET’S ENJOY EXO’S COMEBACK!! :DDD

And, the Uke of the day is Shion.

Today was a nice day! Well wait lemme tell you about yesterday… I spent all afternoon making a fucking paper, HANDWRITTEN, so I was so so tired… I can’t even. I went to my room to take a break, like around 8:30, and when I woke up it was 6:37 AM…. yeah lol

But that’s not the worst part, I only woke up because i dreamt about peeing somewhere and i started feeling a strange warmth… UNTIL I WOKE UP because i was thissss close of peeing for real LMFAO xD thanks god I woke up before something disgusting happened xD

Well today I went to issue my driver's license… it was so fucking tiring and horrible but yeah, I have it now in my hands, and also I want to add that I’m the most unphotogenic bastard in this world.

Then I went out with my friends and we had a shitload of fun!! ^^ It was nice~~

Then I weighed myself and… I gained 2kg, I feel so sad an stupid and fat and gross, I really want to die… I’d rather die of an ED than die fat and gross… but well my *doctor* said it’s because of stress because lately it’s affected my colon and all that. I hope that’s the real reason.

And well I’m tired today but hopefully I can be thin and happy. That’s the most important thing right now.

ALSO I MOTHER FUCKING BOUGHT A HUUUGE JUNJOU ROMANTICA POSTER!! OMG IT WAS LIKE 20 BUCKS BUT MEH~ YOLO!! I REGRET NOTHING OMG OMG I’M CRYING ㅠㅠ I also bought a $2 “L” necklace and i plan to buy another $20 backpack next time >< oMG I NEED SOMEONE TO STOP ME, PLEASE SKDJHD1OPJKEOQLWKJEJPqlkasdñlkASÑLJKPQÑkdwjsak!!

And the Uke of the day is Aoyagi Ritsuka~♥

He brings me back memories… omg I used to had a Loveless poster as well!! It was super huge and it costed me 40 bucks, lol xD

19 days that almost seem like 18 years… yeah, this sure is tiring as fuck.

But just like my grandpa told me once, if I had to take 100 steps to reach the finishing line, I can’t just give up at 99… i need to make it through this. I fucking know It because this is personal. I know imma be laughing and rolling in happiness after this 19 days go by.

But well, lately i’m 90 times more tired than ever… even if i sleep early. My body’s preparing for the all-nighters i’ll have to pull in the finals week. But i am ready :)

Anyways, I still have this weird feeling inside me and idek what is it… the tiredness is affecting my brain performance. Also, lately I’ve been thinking a lot about my future children and how I want them to be. I already made plans lol

My friends and I were going to have a serious talk tomorrow but not anymore. Hm I’m concerned about them and I’ll try my best to help them because they are having a rough time regarding their future. The worst part about being a senior is being asked about your fucking career choice ever 5 seconds, and they hope we fill their expectations. 

“I wanna be a lawyer”

“I want to be a doctor”

But have they thought that some of us are not like that. Some of us want different things, and however we choose to live our life, if it makes us happy then that’s better.

But i fucking hate people that gives up without even trying.

I know someone or well, quite some people that live with anxiety but they don’t know it yet. Both of them are making terrible life choices… Well, not terrible but they’re not even trying to follow their dreams, claiming it’s “impossible”.

Consider yourself banned from my “People I can Tolerate” LIST if you ever say that to me. Because how could you know if you haven’t even tried.

But well fuck it, even if it makes me angry I guess the change is on oneself. YES, that’s the key. Don’t expect people to help you build your life or do things for you all the time, bitch.

You have to make a fucking effort if you want good things. Whatever it is.

And well, I’m still really confused about the scholarship… idk what to do really….

But well, I’m off to read some more Death Note :B

The uke of the day is Shindou Shuichi my ex alter-ego.

FUCKFUCK OKAY SO THE NIGHT OF MY BIRTHDAY I CAME HOME AND OPENED THE COMPUTER AND THE FIRST THING I SAW WAS EXO TEASERS AND I REALLY MOTHER FUCKING CRIED BECAUSE OMGGG JUST… IT WAS THE BEST BIRTHDAY PRESENT EVER!!

My heart is doki doki right now, I can’t… I just can’t omfg they just make me so happy :’)

Ah, I also got a haircut but that hairdresser did shit to me and it doesn’t look like i expected… but well it’s all right, that’s life lol

I feel fat nowadays… idk why i feel like crying and becoming fucking bulimic or something…. even though i don’t think i’ll be able to do that shit lol but wait, does chewing and spitting counts as an ED? I hope not >~>

Ugh, yesterday I drank 2 cups of coffee and I couldn’t sleep…. until 3 AM after i meditated… but i was so dizzy i had to smell alcohol and do something called Epley Maneuver … it was a bad night lol but hey I read Death Note and It was so fucking interesting i couldn’t even ejdfkiejksd 

Tomorrow I’m going to issue my ID.

Here in mexico, double citizenship is allowed so I have to do it even if i hate it. But I need to give up either this citizenship or the jap before i turn 20…. if i don’t then I’ll stop being Jap and NO ME GUSTA. But well, in the meantime I’ll issue my official ID, the good thing is that i’m not an alien anymore lmao.

Oh fuck there’s 19 days left of High School for me…. it feels like 19 years, but if i already made it through 1095 days so 19 is a piece of cake! Wish me luck in my midterms and finals, please.

I feel weird today like… not sad nor happy, just weird…. I’m like waiting for something to happen but idk what it is. 

Also, Nakamura sensei is murdering my soul.

That little shit needs to update Sekai Ichi soon or imma kill someone… by the fucking way, when they give me my ID card imma be so happy BECAUSE YOU KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS RIGHT?!

IMMA HAVE A CARD WHICH MEANS IMMA HAVE PAYPAL WHICH MEANS IMMA BUY A SHITLOAD OF EXO MERCH, INCLUDING XOXO AND ALSO ANIME MERCH AND MANGA AND IMMA DIE OMGJKFSDAFD0OQKNERODKJ10912IO3OIEK

Okay, wish me luck ><

And, the uke of the day is Onodera Ritsu…. I don’t know why I didn’t mentioned him early if I love him so much, lol

GOODBYE, BLOG.COM…. IT WAS NICE WHILE IT LASTED.

So… I’m at 36 minutes of turning 18. 

In 36 minutes I’ll stop being a minor. 

In 36 minutes I’ll be “free” to do what I want without being scolded by law.

Only 36 minutes for me to become an “existent” citizen in the country I live.

Now i guess I won’t feel guilty anymore whenever I watch JGV is not like i ever felt guilty tho lolol 

The first thing imma do is, go to a random porn site, and when I see this 

IMMA BE LIKE

YAY!! I’M SUCH A FUCKING REBEL~ Lol but no, seriously… other than being 1 year older, what’s the big deal about turning 18? meh I think age is just a number because i’ve seen 18-19 year olds and older people behaving like immature pieces of ass… and yeah they’re over 18. I don’t think It’ll be that different for me then. I don’t smoke or drink so buying substances is not something i’m looking forward to, lol.

But well I think i made a decision.. imma cut off my 3 year old hair. Yes, I’ve been growing it for 3 years now… but i think it’s time to change and to start getting used to FUCK A MOTHER FUCKING ROACH JUST APPEARED IN THE FUCKING WALL EWW *coughs* having short hair because as soon as i escape from this hell, aka HIGH SCHOOL, Imma cut off all my fucking hair in sing of FREEDOM AND HAPPINESS AND THE NEW ME.

Every day i’m getting more and more excited about the new “me” xDD

I’m gonna make an oath:

I SWEAR AND PROMISE TO BECOME

A HAPPY, POSITIVE AND CHEERFUL PERSON,

SIMILAR AND EVEN BETTER 

THAN HOW I WAS 3-4 YEARS AGO,

IF I FAIL TO DO THIS IN THE NEAR FUTURE,

IN THE NAME OF THE MOON, 

I SHALL BE PUNISHED.

So yeah, you’re all my witnesses. 

And back to the blog.com shit…. imma repost my old posts in here again because those are my feelings and I want this to become like my journal. No more ghetto sites from now on, just tumblah.

Also, I’m going to start a series called “Raw Heesungism: The hermaphrodite behind the name” which is going to be just me writing my autobiography in a Tale-Novel-like format. I’m not going to omit anything, you’ll just read the real me.

Okay so, happy early birthday to me… i’mma go celebrate by reading more Junjou Romantica :’)

AAAAAANNNNDDDDD….. The Uke of the day is YOSHINO CHIAKI, because he’s the fuel of this blog and my sueeto haneeyy (sweet honey in a jap accent.)

*-* I’m sorry Chiaki >< 

05/14/13

FUUUUUUUUU~  STUPID BLOG.COM! WHY DO YOU HAVE TO GO DOWN WHEN A LOT OF SHIT IS HAPPENING IN MY LIFE AND I NEED A PLACE TO VENT?!

Anyhow… so, I gave my very first step to my new life.

Last wednesday I paid my trip to China. Well is not really a trip… as some of you may know, I’ll move to China and I’ll be living there for probably 6 months…

Now here comes the other side of the coin… I’M NOT MOVING TO BEIJING BUTGUANGZHOU INSTEAD.

Yes, I was shocked as fuck when I found out because I was reaaaally looking forward to move to Beijing… I was getting all ready, set and excited to live there and learn mandarin but no… There’s an 80% possibility I’ll move to Guangzhou, 10% Shenzhen and 10% to some other city that I can’t remember. Also, there’s an 80% possibility that I’ll end up learning canto instead of mandarin. Yeaah… It was quite a shock for me but well, even though I was a little disappointed, I still like the idea. I always wanted to learn cantonese, and also, Guangzhou is Kris’ hometown.. WHICH MEANS I CAN CREEP ON HIM 24/7 AND FOLLOW HIM WHENEVER HE VISITS LOL sasaeng mode activated jk xD but yes! Maybe I’ll get to see him irl 

And well here’s the other thing that happened. I discovered that my old Manga editor dream has resurrected from the deepest part of me. Now it has completely awakened. I feel like studying Japanese literature all over again…. but still, I dream and breathe and live music. Music is my entire life… I just love it so much and I can’t just push it over or leave it behind. I don’t know what to do, I’m seriously confused.

I have the chance to get a MOTHER FUCKING 100% FREE SCHOLARSHIP FOR ANY TOKYO UNIVERSITY I WANT but it lasts 5 fucking years, and If I get to go, I’ll be 23-24 by the time i graduate… which means, no more music for me.

Which means, waking up every day at 7 am and going to work to a lame office until 5 pm….. a super boring and monotonous life. I’m not an ordinary person. No. I AM DEFINITELY NOT.

I really want to study J-Literature and ALSO I wanna do music at the same time. I don’t lose anything with just studying it even if i don’t work in a literature related thing in the future… but even though I’m dying to go to a Japanese College and major in japanese literature, I know this dream is not “real”.

I know this isn’t what I really want… I know it deep inside me but I don’t want to accept it… I made the decision that I’ll just follow my already marked path, which is China —> Seoul ? And if after 6 months or a year I still feel like I want to become a Manga editor, then I’ll pursue it. But in the meantime, I’ll just give up on the scholarship.

If it really is in my destiny, then another similar opportunity will arise… but i highly doubt it because this life is giving me a sign.

A year ago, my mom went with me to a travel agency and I intended to buy the plane tickets for Seoul…. there was none, but there was this China trip instead. THE PRICE WAS 100 BUCKS!! I AM REALLY NOT KIDDING!! IT REALLY WAS 100 BUCKS and It was with a really reliable travel agency and all. I was so tempted to do it…

I was regretting not buying that China trip but well… everything happens for a reason, and I was glad I didn’t spent my college money on that …

Then, a few months ago I was going to buy tickets for Seoul again because I’ll graduate in a month and I already know the college I want to go and all. Again, my old fashioned mom took me to the travel agency. This one was a different one, but well the lady told me there weren’t trips for Seoul, but they had this work-study-boarding program in China. And it was cheap as fuck. I could even live there for 1 year.

After giving it a thought I really freaked out because this is the 2nd time China appears in my life. Maybe life is trying to tell me something??? So yeah, here I am today… I already decided that I’ll be going and I hope something good happens to me in China because all this signals are just too fucking much for me lol WHAT ARE U TRYING TO SAY DESTINY?! TELL ME?! GIVE ME A SIGN?!

Anyhow, wish me luck guys. I already wished myself luck.

And on a last note… since this is my last month of hs, i became 100 times lazier. I have to be at school at 7 AM and I’ve been waking up at 6:45 AM every fucking morning…. my mom is always yelling at me for this reason, so I decided I’ll become like Takahashi Misaki. He’s my inspiration because he wakes up early as fuck, cleans the house, makes breakfast, lunch, laundry, has a “quicky”with Usagi-san and then goes to college.

HOW THE FUCK IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE LMAO but well, he’s my role-model in that aspect xDD lmao I’ll follow his ways and wake up early tomorrow IF I CAN OFC, I’ll be productive as fuck and then go to school… then when I come back I can sleep or something XD I used to wake up at 4 AM do a quick work out, meditation and then go to school but then I became way too tired for that shit. I’ll try to do the same at least for this week….

BY THE WAY, MY BIRTHDAY IS IN 2 DAYS! lol it does excite me a tiny bit even though all my birthdays are lame and gross… xD

AAAAAND… THE UKE OF THE DAY IS MY ROLE-MODEL: TAKAHASHI MISAKI

May-02-13

Well today was a nice day because whenever there’s no school, it automatically becomes a good day xD

But I woke up late because I watched a couple of nice and hawt JGV before going to sleep and also because i had a nightmare >< lol but here’s a random fact about me: I actually enjoy nightmares xDD

But this one was gross, I was using the computer as always until suddenly, 3 gross rats appeared, and I had to catch them and kill them barehanded all by myself… and one of them bit me. I was hoping the rat didn’t had rabies lmao.

Okay so I woke up, watched a couple of Junjou Romantica and then recorded only 1 part for my Warrior duet… hopefully I’ll record the rest tomorrow ><

And ughhh i hate this feeling. I don’t know why I came into facebook and suddenly started searching an old friend of mine which led me to search my old elementary school classmates…. and this feeling inside me is not good. I feel like so grossed out to find out what they’ve become lol and now I can see with clear eyes who my former crushes were eww i had a terrible taste tbh. Also, I dreamed about one of my kindergarten-elementary-middle and early high school friend. She hated me in my dream and I think that she hates me irl life too and idk why i dreamed about her… I guess I kinda miss her? We were best friends since we were like 7 or 8 and then I was so mean because I changed schools out of a sudden without telling her… and she was my only friend in the other school. Anyhow I’ll forget about the bad things. I sent her a friend request and If she accepts then great, If she declines it… then I guess its fine too.

She has a bf now… a “real” one. Almost everyone has one now but I honestly feel that they’re just dating for no reason. I don’t feel bad or anything I just feel grossed out hahaha xD hmmm maybe it is a signal from the world that I need one? But meh i don’t feel like it :/ The only guy who I ever wanted to be with me now hates me and disappeared and IT WAS ALL MY FAULT but okay i can’t believe I’m not over it yet even if it’s been more than a year :/ ughhh I HATE MYSELF FOR THIS OMGGG

BUT ANYWAYS I’m procrastinating my drawing “lessons” as always but no, I have to do it right now. I have my notebook and pencil right here so I need to begin. If i do it for at least 1 hour, then I deserve to read manga and watch my newly bought animes lolol

And hopefully this gross feeling will go away D: i hate people.

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAND…… The Uke of the day is Giou Yuki