May, 1, 2013

And the best way to start it is…. NO SCHOOL TOMORROW!! :D

May is the month with the most holidays where I live, so every frigging week we miss a day of school! :’D and tomorrow is the first day~ And by the way, THIS MONTH IS MY BIRTHDAY~

It doesn’t really excite me tbqh, but i feel special because BAEKHYUN, TAO AND JUNMA’S BIRTHDAYS ARE ON MAY TOO SO PLZ LET ME DIE JSDFKJKNDSF lol xD

Btw, tomorrow’s Tao’s Birthday in China *Q* omg 生日快乐子韜哥!! 我爱你~❤ i’m so proud to be a may baby like him lolol

he’s so handsome… that’s why i told my wushu teacher that he was my bf lol

So anyhow, I have quite some shit to do for school but I’ll relax all the way and  do it at the last minute like always xD AAAANDD omg my middle school self is coming back >< today i went to the anime-manga store with my friends and bought 2 animes laisdjfndjksfb i’m becoming the person i used to be 4-5  years ago D: lol but well that made me really happy back then and hopefully i’d go back to be the cheerful and happy person i was :D this past 3 years i’ve been truly miserable and i don’t even know what kind of person i became… seriously, i became so bitter and cold even with my friends. I rarely smile… and that sucks but i swear there’s only 31 days of misery left for me! omg i’m almost there i need to be strong for a little tiny bit more >< But I swear i’ll go back to my shuichi-self xD i had a friend in middle school that used to call me Shuichi because our personalities were so damn similar lmfao, if you don’t know who shuichi is, you should google “Gravitation Shuichi”, he’s the pink haired guy x)

Oh so yeah i bought a shitload of anime and I’ll watch it today and tomorrow and this friday ^^

AND YES I’M STILL REALLY DAMN UKE-BIASED! THEY TURN ME ON SO MUCH I CAN’T EVEN DUSHJBFIEOYRUSFDH389IUWHIUSEKJD DD:

Btw, The Uke of the Day is Kamijou Hiroki, a.k.a, Nowaki’s my lovely Hiro-SanxD

the King of Tsundere~❤

That kinda reminded me when my mom used to call me michelle-san… those times were nice, i miss them ><

now my mom doesn’t even care about me even though she just hugged me like 5 seconds ago lol i wish she would call me

“michelle-san” or “hiromi” again, just like when i was young ><

April, 26, 2013

lol jk, but… almost?

I dreamt about Baekhyun… i guess that’s because i miss him so much and because he’s my 2nd bias in exo-k but anyways… i remember i was at some sort of… mini school or something? there were small desks and in each of them there was someone sitting down, in one of them was baekhyun and i remember and approached him and he was drawing or something, then i said something really stupid like “HEY HALLO CAN WE BECOME BESTFRANSZ?” and he just looked at me, smiled and said yes! lol omg i’m so pathetic, even in my dreams >< But okay so we started drawing or.., something then we talked and talked but i don’t remember about what. Then I think he gave me a Milch chocolate bar *-* and i was so touched oiaksoalskjdlAKS WHY would baekhyun give something to me?! but anyways lol we left the place and he drove me somewhere but we ended up in the room next to the one we were at first? then i kissed his cheek and he was so shocked and shy, then i remember i kissed him again but then i woke up with a high fever lol xD

err anyways today i didn’t watched or read my daily dose of yaoi, hence i’m feeling a bit sad. The good news are, I won 1st place on a public speaking contest in my school today even tho the prize was a fucking lame and old volleyball and i also have all the money i need to move to beijing… wow shit just got real >< hmmm idk leaving youtube for some time is gonna be hard lol but well, that’s life… and err i still have trust issues because of one of my “friends” … bitch just be honest with me, if you don’t like my singing or shit just fucking say it but don’t be rude. Giving a constructive critique is one thing, but feeling like you’re a fucking pro when u can’t even hold a note and thinking that gives you the right to be rude is not cool…. so not cool.

Anyhow, the uke of the day is Kisa Shouta.

I had a stupid spiritual retreat today… a 12-hour one!! I wasted 12 hours of my life locked in that place and swallowing all my emotions.

If I had to rate it, i’d give it a 30 out of 100.

You’re probably wondering what was I doing in a spiritual retreat?? well, that’s because i attend a catholic school, even though i’m not even catholic lol.

Anyhow, at the beginning of the retreat, the people in there gave us an album that our parents secretly made for us and there were a lot of pictures of us and letters… I’m an extreeemely emotional person, so it was hard for me.

My album was hand-made, and my mom did it and it had letters from my grandparents, my aunt, my cousins  >~> lol but their letters really made me cry… I used to be mean to my family when i was a kid so i still feel guilty when I see that they love me and i’m an ungrateful bastard… specially my little cousins and my grandparents, those 4 are really special for me… i’d love to be with them all the time but i’m such a closed person and saying my emotions is just too hard for me.

I don’t remember when was the last time I said “I love you.”

I hope they know I do love them though…. that retreat only made me realize well not only me, also the rest of people lol how ungrateful, rude and unworthy i am as a daughter, grand-daughter and sister/cousin…. i really don’t deserve to have such a cool family… and to my other family, i love them as well but they are all dead… maybe that’s why i was mean to everyone when i was young. Also, the bullies asked me to forgive them for their bullying to me. And I forgave them.

I decided I need to “clean up” everything before I go and disappear from this ugly place.

The only good part in there, are my friends. Friends, if you are reading this, I promise you I’m going to be 80% more open with you and I’m going to tell you my feelings and all from now on~

Moving on, lately i’ve been having weird feelz inside me… since Sekai Ichi Hatsukoi came into my life.

I used to have feelz in middle school regarding anime but this is different. I CKAENT EVEN EXPRAINE WAUT I PHHEER is not my usual fangirling-self…. these are not usual fangirl feels.

Not this time.

Now I have the fucking need to worship Nakamura Shungiku-Sama and kiss the floor his shoe sole touches and lick the toilet he sits in. Seriously.

People, if you haven’t read Sekai Ichi Hatsukoi then you don’t know what’s the meaning of life. I’m not even kidding. It’s a mother fucking masterpiece after Murakami-Sama’s Gravitation.

I dare to say it is my new favourite anime… after Gravitation, of course.

Btw, I just realized I have a thing for uke regarding anime…. probably the only seme i like is Yuki Eiri, but the rest are all uke.

Ritsuka, Misaki, Ciel, Wolfram, and now Ritsu…. ugh I can’t, they’re too precious and perfect.

But well in my MY opinion, Sekai Ichi is like 60% better than Junjou Romantica. Hands down.

Remember when I had a wordpress blog?? Well I didn’t really liked the format of the posts and the themes were so lame.

I’d like to “blog” from a blogger or a Google+, but those two are banned in China and there’s no point of starting a blog if I can’t continue it.

I’m not sure if people would read my posts, but just to let you know… I’m that person that reads your blog entries, silently at 2 AM on a friday night. If you have a blog that obviously is not a facebook or youtube channel, etc, there’s a 99% chance I’ve read all your posts.

Anyhow, If you read this, I don’t need you to let me know, just… idk…

I’m very confused lately. I’ve always knew what I wanted to do with my life. As lame as it may sound, I know it since I am 4.

I “gave up” on it at 13, because there’s always someone who crushes your dreams with no mercy…. and I was afraid of that, i didn’t wanted people to discourage me.

Then I started following my 2nd dream-not so-dream: becoming a Manga editor.

Why a Manga editor and not a Mangaka? Well, I’m a mixed and that would take away the “magic” of a truly Japanese manga. Plus, I’m really uncreative and my drawings are too rough. If I ever get some Inspiration while working as an editor, then there’s a higher chance I’ll end up publishing something.

My 2nd dream was becoming head editor of Asuka Ciel  LOOOL xD that’s so lame but hey, that was my dream XD

I’ve always been a reserved person, so I don’t share my dreams with anyone because of the reasons stated above. But I’ve always been confident and I’ve always believed in myself.

It’s been 5 years since I had that dream, but I realized that what would make me truly happy was my original dream, so I started working hard to achieve it. This time nothing will put me down.

Today, some circumstances happened and i’m fighting and working hard to achieve it, but life gave me another chance.. I think this is a signal of the world.

Anyhow, I’ll be moving to Beijing in August.

Am I nervous? Of course I am. I’ve never been to Asia before and It’ll be my first time in China and I’m already loving it.

But today, something else happened. My old “Asuka Ciel head editor” dream re-appeared……….. My mom said that there’s a 90% chance that I get a scholarship for a Japanese university in Tokyo.

Now I’m truly confused, Idk what to do.

I’m seriously considering if I should follow the path that’s “already” marked for me (Beijing) or going back to mainland and live an exciting but ordinary life in Tokyo…. even if i don’t see myself as an ordinary person.

I don’t know what to do, I wish I could ask someone for advice, but people doesn’t understand me. Actually, nobody irl really knows who i am. They don’t know where I come from or who my parents are or what am I doing here, but they never asked.

And I never told them because again, I’m too afraid of being judged.

But I need to stop and just… idk, i want to go to sleep and never wake up… or well, wake up after a couple of months when all this is over lol

But what if my real destiny is becoming Asuka Ciel’s head editor?? After all, nobody likes mixed people….