Something horrible just happened and this time I’m not exaggerating, I really really REALLY want to fucking slap myself and punch someone….

I’ve been sick since like 1-2 months ago because I have seasonal allergies and hay fever, and well, with all this hot/dry/humid and now rainy/cold weather happening my voice’s been kinda raspy. I ignored it because I usually sound mature when I’m husky lol but well since I haven’t had the chance to practice that much lately, I just kept doing my regular warm ups whenever I could and all that. Then someone gave me the task to sing Taeyeon’s lines in “Mistake”.

It wasn’t really a challenge for me since high notes are like my “specialty” when it comes to singing, so I gave it a try, ignoring:

• My lack of practice
• The condition of my voice and hay fever
• My terrible lack of breathing technique because I haven’t done breathing exercises at all

So well, in the end I couldn’t control it because I kept dragging the note…. like the air in my diaphragm wasn’t enough to hold the note.

I gave up and then, stupid me, tried to record Baekhyun’s lines in Wolf.

30 minutes later, goodbye voice.

Not only I ended up with a fucking sharp-stabbing pain in my throat, but I could barely speak anymore…. Whenever I think of it I want to cry because it’s been almost a week and my voice hasn’t healed at all. I can barely speak on a regular basis and what hurts me the most is that I can’t even sing anymore. I shouldn’t even try to sing but I just can’t stop doing it oh fuck I can’t believe i’m crying while typing this but it really means a lot to me. The only thing that gives sense to my life is singing, and if I can’t do it…. I think I’ll go crazy. I am going crazy right now.

I really have no one to talk to about this so I’m alone in my pain. Physical and mental pain. My throat hurts more with each day and I did some research and I should rest my singing voice. Like totally, no singing at all. But I seriously can’t do that. I sing all the time, I don’t even realize when I’m singing, I just do it. And right now I’m so scared because this is the first time I’ve strained my vocal chords so badly that it hurts to speak and it’s been a week and there’s no improvement and…. I’m just going crazy I don’t know what to do. If someone’s reading this right now they probably don’t understand how big of a deal this is for me, they probably just think i’m a ridiculous stupid dramatic bitch. But I’m really serious. Think about the thing you love to do the most in this life. The only thing you could do for the rest of your life and live and die happy just by doing it.

But well I don’t know what to do since nobody understands me, I think I want to fucking die, I’m just way too tired to go on. The graduation date looks further and further every singe day, my grandpa is having a major surgery in 10 days, I lost my voice and I’m fat and ugly. And sad and useless and poor.

I hate myself so fucking much and nobody will never understand me.

I want to end this.