I’m just so sick of everything and everyone

The documentation process for my Au Pair thing is taking longer than expected and since we as in me and my mom hoped that by now i would be already long gone, stuff is starting to happen… and I am just so sick and tired.

I am eighteen years old and obviously at my age everyone starts to become independent and obviously, parents don’t like their 18 year old children. Now imagine this plus no job and no school, just staying at home all day long for three fucking months. Yeap, this is me.

It’s not entirely my fault.

Actually, this is NOT even my fault. Is not my fault that the agency is taking so long in the documentation process at all. If I could choose, I’d have left since January I swear to god. But well, also, when we were close to graduating, two of my friends enrolled in a language school and I asked my mom if I could do the same thing while I waited to be placed with a family, etc, but the bitch said No, because it’d be a waste of money. And bitch, it’s her fault I am sitting at home doing nothing.

Now all she and her fucking parents do is fucking complain about how much of a burden I am, on how lazy I am and that I’m just sitting here doing nothing while my mom goes to work. I have to admit that I probably don’t do that much at home, but I still do a lot of stuff and I don’t even get a fucking thank you. I thank my mother when she feeds me because I know it is her effort but when I do my own effort nobody gives a fuck.

Now I am depressed and angry every day because I have to deal with her bad mood and everything, and yesterday she was resting at home and she was planning to rest today too but she got a call from work telling her she had to work today too, and since she got angry because of this plus the bitch is on her period she called my grandma and told her that I am so useless and a waste of money and that it’s a fucking burden having to drive me “everywhere” whenever I went out, but that never happens because I am sitting at home every day and blah blah blah, same old shit. I overheard that from my room and I got really angry.

I didn’t asked for this and now they are all against me, everyone is sick of me and I am sick of everyone and I fucking swear that when I leave, I won’t miss anyone. I WON’T, I’LL BE HAPPY OF BEING AWAY because they are all a bunch of unsupportive bastards. Nobody’s ever asked me how I feel or what I want, they all assume instead of helping me. Also, they all want me to be the typical girl with a boyfriend and majoring in Medicine, but NO because this is not who I am and they have never accepted it. They all want to mold me how they want and they contradict each other all the time.

Have they even wondered why I’m like this?? It is because they spoiled me when I was young and now it’s their fault I am a spoiled brat. When I was younger I wanted to get a job and they never let me, I wanted to go home from school all by myself AND THEY KEPT DRIVING ME until I was 16!! I wanted to go out with friends and they never let me, I wanted to go to sleepovers and I could never do it because they never allowed me.

But hey, I asked for an expensive cellphone and they gave it to me, and I asked for a macbook pro and here it is, like yes I am thankful BUT I ALSO NEEDED TO LIVE MY LIFE when I was younger! If they had let me do all the things I wanted to do, I’d be a different person now!!! In middle school I had to sneak out just to go out with my friends for 20 minutes because whenever they found out they would yell at me or ground me. What the fuck in that case I’d prefer to give up on all the material stuff because it doesn’t help. And now, after all the things they never allowed me to do and all the things they never taught me, they want me to know everything about being a responsible adult now.

What the fuck, I can’t do anything now because of them! It’s their fucking fault, now I am so sick and so upset because everyone is against me! Today I was so upset because they asked me what I wanted to eat and I told them I don’t eat meat anymore and they were complaining behind my back and I was so upset that I even cried when I got home because I am so fucking sick and so fucking tired of everyone!!

And my mom keeps reminding me that everything I have is not really mine because I haven’t worked for it. Ehm excuse me bitch but I never asked to be born, and I just turned 18 this year so for the past 18 years, it’s your responsibility as my mother to maintain me but after all this nagging and complaining and shit, I just don’t want anything from anyone.

Nothing, I just want to be by myself. I wish I had a place to go, If I did, I wouldn’t be here now.

So I decided that starting next week I am going to look for a job god knows how because this people only spoiled me and never taught me things like how to ask for a job or shit and I am going to save all the fucking money just to leave this place because I hate this people and I hate my life like this.

This whole week I’ve been considering to kill myself because If nobody likes me and nobody wants to see me and i don’t want to see people and I’m a burden to them, then what’s left for me? After all I am an useless piece of shit, and a waste of money, the world won’t miss me if I am gone, I just want to die and I’ll keep thinking what’s the best way to die because I don’t want to do this anymore.